Let’s Catch Up

So, yeah, grief is crazy.

I’m sad. As fuck. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this sad in my life, and I hate it. It’s so funny like as much as I’d love another hug or kiss on the cheek from my Dad, what I want the most is just to talk to him. I just want to hear his voice and not via old voicemails because it’s not quite the same.

I never realized just how often we talked because in general I hate talking on the phone. I talk all day for work, so after 6pm I prefer to not speak but if my daddy called I was picking up every time. And I keep having randomly thinking “Damn, I haven’t talked to my dad in a long time” and then I remember I literally cannot talk to him. He is no longer here. That is still crazy.

Like it’s just really unfair that I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Like he woke up, got in the shower, got dressed and then died. Not 12 hours after texting us he was gone. Just like that. I actually find myself feeling jealous of people who knew death was coming. And yes, I’m aware that’s crazy because in all cases you lose someone important to you. They at least got to share their last words and hold their hand as they transitioned.

Nobody was there but strangers when my dad died and I keep wondering if he was scared. Like what was he feeling in his last moments? He was the bravest man I knew so I hope he wasn’t sacred. I hope he didn’t spend his last moments on earth in fear. But yeah, those are the things I think about now.

The craziest part of all this is I’m still able to function. I wake up everyday and work, I laugh, I read, I cry, I eat….all the things I did before December 23rd. Just now it feels like something is missing. Something IS missing and the worst part is knowing nothing will ever take that feeling away. Just a big hole in my life that nothing and no one can fill.

I saw a quote on Monday and it said “Micro joys are ho we survive macro grief” and that’s stuck with me all week. I have to find joy every single day because it’ll keep me from sinking too far down. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not down so bad I can’t function. I’m just sadder than I’ve ever been before and learning how to navigate monumental grief.

I’m not quite ready to be around people yet either. Like I want to but I also don’t wanna be outside and burst into tears in public because I don’t cry cute and my lashes gonna fall off. I also know that I can’t avoid MY people forever. They know where I am and they will pull up on me. I’m grateful for that.

Anyway, writing things out has been really therapeutic for me. I think I’m gonna start tracking my micro joys, not sure how yet but I feel compelled to capture this time in my life. Grief is a personal journey but I think we should share it if we feel comfortable. Finding videos of people experiencing the same pain as I am has been helpful.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramble. Tell your people you love them. Until next time.